Refining Grace

I journaled these thoughts this past Saturday. I thought they may encourage you!


I am sitting in my office. It is quiet. Something there is not much of here on a Saturday at the Hixon house. My precious wife, my three daughters, and my three sons are all enjoying a much needed nap on a rainy Saturday. I wanted to take a nap, but there was freshly washed and folded clothes on one half of the bed. I tried to nap in my chair in the living room, but I could not. I was thinking about my children. About the messed up world they are going to have to grow up in. About what a mess humans have made of it all. And most of all, how can I get them ready for the difficult days ahead? Then I think of my, well, other son. My son whom I’ve yet to adopt. We’ve been approved and are waiting on a precious little boy we’ve named Josiah.
He is a little boy in China whom many in his culture consider an outcast. He has disabilities. (Don't we all?) I’ve never had a child with physical disabilities. All six of my biological children are healthy.
I get afraid. I can’t help but wonder why I have opened my heart up again for a possible heartbreak. I’ve thought I was going to adopt before. I even went to their orphanage and talked to them and held them. We even had three children live with us for 3 weeks whom we honestly thought would be adopted out of the DHR system. They called me dad. Then in a moment. Gone. Tears. Heartache. Brokenness. It was like a death, and no one really even seemed to understand. Rebekah and I were again deeply grieved. It was like a nightmare, but it was real. Why would I want to open my heart up for something like this again? It’s crazy, but I know it is because of the Lord. God is the Father of the fatherless, and He has placed it upon our hearts to try to adopt….again.
Now I’m concerned for Josiah. He has foster parents, but do they know Jesus? Are they preparing him for us? Does he want a mom and dad the way we want him to be our son? Do they feed him enough? Does he get the proper medical care? Questions I ask and then…..I remember.
My heavenly Father has watched out for me for many years before I came to know Him. Long before I was adopted into God’s family, I was in good hands. I should not have lived. Some of my friends didn’t. God came to my rescue so many times before I even realized it. I’m sure that some of the times I can’t even remember, but I remember enough to make me weep for joy and be humbled with a deep gratitude to God for His love for me.
God is taking care of Josiah, and He is in control. He has always been in control, and Josiah doesn’t even know it. God has the best intentions for Josiah and for my other children. He outdoes me in every realm of fatherhood. My very best intentions can’t even come close to the loving care He has for my children. Whether they are up in their room taking a nap or in China waiting on forever parents, God has always been in control. My heavenly Father has been preparing me for this my entire life. The grace that I feel right now is overwhelming. It is difficult and uncomfortable grace, but that is what God uses to refine me. I am reminded that God is on His throne and he has His eye on my boys and girls. He has an army of angels looking at Him and the moment He sends one to my children’s side, all is well. And so, it is well with me.
I prayed. Then I prayed some more. Then I just got still, and the Lord reminded me that He was in charge. I prayed again, primarily that I would trust Him and not trust my wisdom.
My wisdom is so messed up. I get it wrong. I make mistakes and I let Eric get in the way. So I need to trust the Lord more.

So, I sit here in my office with time to think. It is bitter sweet time. A time that I am learning again to trust the Lord. It’s all a part of being refined by the Father, and I thank Him. scheduled